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Wednesday, April 18th, 2018
9:39 am - Forgive The Divine

THE STATE just walked into my building for inspection.  I have all sorts of meetings today so this will be tricky.


I haven't been wearing makeup the past few days.  I shouldn't say no makeup but less makeup.  It's just easier at work.  Doing the whole eyeliner/eyebrow/contouring thing was getting old.  I also feel like my skin needs a break.  So just powder, blush, mascara and gloss.  Ha...it's pretty funny that I consider that NO makeup.


I've been thinking about poison lately.  Not in the traditional sense but the kind that sneaks into your life and changes you slowly with pain and misery.  We live this duplicitous life and our souls are confused.  It's no happiness is so illusive.  That said, I forgive the divine and myself for choosing to come back, for living in this body that I usually hate, for wrestling with my demons and wandering from my dharma.  The soul has a way of finding its way no matter what we do.  If we fail at this life, we die and move on to another, if we win, we are liberated...or do we get the choice?  Did I choose this because I wanted to feel pain and joy in human form? Did I want to feel all this? Did I choose this to interact with the beautiful muse souls that have facilitated change in me?  I feel like I know, but I also have to go deal with the Department of Public Welfare of Pennsylvania...so that's the task for this morning.


Love and wickedness

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9:12 am - Empress, I am

I'm finally feeling the intense pull easing up on my psyche.  Perhaps Mercury Direct is easing my mind, perhaps I'm just ready.  I know I still have some demons to face but after a chat with a sane friend who seems to know what I need to hear at all times, I feel less likely to run through the streets screaming like a banshee, if you know what I mean.  


Don't worry, your door is closed but windows are open.


I also had a chat on the phone with another friend last night that made me realize something else about life, aside from the fact that I have fallen into the role as therapist for several of my friends.  Everyone has moments of feeling like a total fuck-up.  We don't own that publicly very often, but most of us feel this way several times a day, if not all the time.  All told, I'm doing alright.


The crazy lady from yesterday was not admitted and returned last night.  She seems sane today.  All the medications. We had a "meeting" this morning.  She thinks that I'm going to pay her $500 a month to help me sell this place.  Nope.


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Monday, April 16th, 2018
3:58 pm - Explorations of the ever expanding

This morning started with a bipolar explosion at work.  It was rough.  This lady was convinced that there was an emergency over the weekend and that nobody did anything about it.  She called the cops three times.  They came, three times.  It all came to a head in the dining room.  She was in her pajamas screaming to everyone as they were trying to enjoy their breakfast.  Her brother came...thankfully.  My boss was there...thankfully.  She was threatening to sue us and she had a basket full of crap like newspapers, mail, pens, phones and remotes...also some crap she stole out of our copy room as evidence.  EMTs were called and she was taken to the hospital.  She hadn't taken her meds in three days.


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Sunday, April 15th, 2018
9:17 pm - The void

Young men seek to fill the void, old men learn to live with it.

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Saturday, April 14th, 2018
6:09 pm - Measured silence

I have been in service since I left work yesterday.  To two friends and to the earth.  


A dear friend's brother committed suicide.  He was strangely calm.  I just wanted to drink whisky with him to take the pain away.


Talking another friend down after a breakup.  Shadow work and self service with The Earth.  I'm exhausted.  I need a recharge.


It's time.

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Friday, April 13th, 2018
12:05 pm - Eternal flame, my wolfmoon

Summer is here and nobody wants to work today, including me.  I'm probably going to go to Home Depot and buy plants for the patio at work.  I'll also stop at Bed Bath and Beyond for curtains for the dining room.  Last evening's tour panned out and will hopefully lead to a move-in next week.  I feel like now that the weather is finally breaking, my blockage is moving with regard to the bullshit winter I experienced.  We did have the new housekeeper quit with no notice based on the shitty pay.  I can't blame her.  I couldn't imagine working my ass off for $9 an hour.  We had a meeting today about what we can do to increase the starting salary.  We can't keep people because they don't want to put up with the bullshit for a few pennies to scrape together.  The cultural divide within senior living facilities is astounding.  As the second highest paid employee in this facility I almost feel bad.  Then I remember how I've worked my ass off my whole life and I fucking deserve to be paid well.


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Thursday, April 12th, 2018
2:26 pm - Paranoia or do you read me

It feels like spring wants to finally open up.  Every so often, the sun peeks through the clouds.  It's supposed to be pretty warm tomorrow, almost summer-like.  My ability to get things done when it's suddenly spring is debatable.  At least I have a window in my office.  I can let a little bit of nature in.


I just submitted an expense report for three months of driving all over the place.  $350!  I love the fact that I get to go out and do things during the day.  I'm not glued to the desk or the building.  I have so much freedom.


I'm feeling extra today.  


I could luxuriate in bed for the afternoon.  I would love a nap right now.  I have to come back to work tonight anyway, so I might disappear for a little while.


Your little slice of me for the day has been sponsored by extra honey in my tea and some extra self love.

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Wednesday, April 11th, 2018
3:37 pm - All or nothing

I had to watch this video twice.  I was so mesmerized by the boob jacket.  Also, the song is pretty decent, though I'm not a huge fan of dude's voice.


Today I had a chance to rest and recover from yesterday.  It was nice to have a little bit of luxury today.  Yesterday was a crazed drive all over the place.  I started my day with my doctors appointment and then went to West Chester for an assessment followed by another assessment in Upper Darby followed by a full hour on the phone with two different children of potentials regarding their placement, details, etc.  


The one from West Chester is going to be a great fit.  Actually the one from Upper Darby would have been a good resident too; however, her daughter pulled the plug after I drove my ass all the way out to the ghetto to meet her in person.  Eh, we'll see.  I have a feeling they will be back.  This lady needs help, no doubt.  It's not a good situation at all.  I was so pissed when the daughter called I had to go outside and scream.  I just have to trust that that choice is going to benefit me in the end.  And that this happened for a reason.  It's just annoying that I put so much work into what I thought was a sure thing to find out that it's not even a second thought.


I did have a nice compliment from a son of potential.  He said that I'm good at what I do.  It was nice to hear.  I've had my doubts...that's for sure.


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Tuesday, April 10th, 2018
5:06 pm - Turns out...



Doctor says my heart is fine.  Just an existential crisis, I guess.

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Monday, April 9th, 2018
5:05 pm - And I've still got some of your letters

This day was a combination of time standing still and time slipping away.  I had a strange dream where my hair was long and white.  Crone.  Someone said I should be the maiden, I have always felt like the crone.  "You grow wild."


While I was waiting for things to happen, I realized that meditations happened and I realized that I'm not as crazy as some.  Living in a delusional world where I truly do know what I want and nothing makes sense.  "It's lonely here and I think you knew."


I'm not one of those people who never truly figures it out.  What is the purpose of addiction?  What is the purpose of loneliness?  To seek God in something?  We can't see the gods within us.


Why is it that some people make you feel like you found home, right away.  That comfortable feeling of being just where you belong?  It's a strange sort of magic to be completely comfortable and "home" like you found your god in someone else's soul.


Strange day ignores me like he always has.  I stopped caring years ago, because I had to.  It crushed my soul to let go of that longing...or at least I thought it would.  But it didn't really.  Now I just wonder why he's too fragile for this world and I'm still here, getting things done and moving forward while he still ignores everything.



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Sunday, April 8th, 2018
9:08 pm

This was the first Lycia song I ever heard.  Tom put it on a mix for me in 1999.  Oh, Tom.  What is it about you that makes life so hard for you?  People say that about me too, I'm sure.


I can relate.  Drawn to terrible then recoil in loneliness.  Such is life.


I'm having a difficult time reconciling any form of normal life.  


My doctors appointment is on Tuesday, thankfully.  I'm mercifully feeling better for now, but my mom suggested an EKG anyway, since it runs in my family and would explain a few things.


So much else I want to write about, so much I want to say, but I must wait, and in waiting I find searching and answers.  In time.

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Saturday, April 7th, 2018
5:03 pm - Sunshine and rainbows

I’m not always miserable as it may appear on here. This, unlike Facebook, is a place for my shadow musings...mainly because very few actually read this and I’m okay with those of you who do. You either know me really well or I don’t care.

Love and rainbows shooting out of my ass, unicorns and teddy bears, hearts and sunshine.

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Friday, April 6th, 2018
4:58 pm - Sadness dub

https://youtu.be/e75a8YvCO4g

I made a doctors appointment. Definitely can’t ignore this any longer. Feeling like crap and always feeling cold. I normally don’t mind the cold, but lately it’s been bone deep. I’ve had to take a bath each night just to not shiver.

I’ve given up on my hair experiment. I went most of the winter only washing it every other day after a lifetime of washing everyday. It was alright. I just noticed that no amount of dry shampoo made it any less greasy looking, and I inevitably would end up just pulling it up. I hate wearing my hair that way and I just felt ugly and dirty. So fuck it, back to washing everyday.

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Thursday, April 5th, 2018
9:02 pm - My king,

https://youtu.be/woPqhwro8aU

Feeling crappy again. Not incredibly motivated to write.

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Wednesday, April 4th, 2018
3:40 pm - Who needs action when you got words?



I watched this repeatedly on MTV...after Cobain was found dead.  I remember it vividly.  I was in the hallway near the smoking bathroom at school when my boyfriend, Matt came to tell me he was dead.  This was only weeks after we found out about his suicide attempt in Rome.  We got together with all our friends (the freaks) and had a group hug in the "carpeted area"...a space that was randomly carpeted in a hallway near the school store where the punks, goths and hippies hung out.  The school, at the time, despite being a rich, white kid school, was surprisingly disgusting and it really needed updating.  There were strange little corners that made no sense.  There were dark hallways that went to nowhere.  This is where we hid.


24 years ago...almost to the day.  He died on April 5th, supposedly.  Not found until April 8th.

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Tuesday, April 3rd, 2018
2:48 pm - Oh, it's on

Definitely feeling like I'm under fire.  I was secret shopped at work again.  Twice in five days.  It's definitely on, according to my head nurse.  After a meeting with my boss yesterday, I had anxiety dreams all night about "traffic" and "tour to move in ratios"  Maybe I wasn't really cut out for sales.  There's some negativity afoot and I have definitely been sucked right in.  The bad attitude spreads like wildfire if it isn't stopped.  I'm not pointing fingers at individuals, but we all, as a community need to turn it around.  


It also might just be Mercury Retrograde and somehow I got on the list twice because of it.  I think I did alright but I hate being tested...twice.  It makes me wonder if I didn't do well the first time.  The woman who called this time said she wasn't allowed to tell me how I did but that it was "delightful" to chat with me.  


I think I need to focus my meditations on more positive things.  I'm finding that a lot of my moods and musings have been rather negative, a pattern that's so easy to fall into when everything seems to suck.  Though, in all honesty, life has been pretty good lately aside from a few work hiccups.  I'm well paid, I work hard and I think my boss knows I'm trying my best.


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Monday, April 2nd, 2018
3:27 pm - A gentle stirring

I like it when the snow is quiet and almost stops, suspended as it falls.  


The birds weren't deterred this morning, nor was the stupid trash truck that I always get stuck behind on Monday mornings.  The snow was so peaceful, I didn't mind the delay and drove in as if time didn't exist.  The soft flakes resting around crocus and daffodil, randomly scattered in untended gardens full of sticks from storms past.


Today I have time for thoughts and memories, ideas and creations.


Twin flames can't be together because they burn each other out.  It's like being burned in general.  You can't withstand the proximity to any flame for too long or you get burned.  These are lessons we teach each other and lessons we need to learn ourselves.  I don't know why or how...I just know it's true.


This life is sometimes hard, sometimes easy, sometimes stressful and sometimes relaxing.  Though, in reality, life just is.  It's not one thing or another that's just how we perceive it.  I have no qualms with understanding difficulty in being human, what I debate is the existence of good or evil or anything in between.  We are all of these things, all of us, all the time.  We are wellness and sickness, life and death, love and fear, we are all of it.  So if we have an enemy, he/she is just a reflection of something within ourselves that we don't understand.  If we are betrayed, it's because we betray ourselves.









https://www.mixcloud.com/lowlight/porch-music/

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Sunday, April 1st, 2018
3:25 pm - Remembrance of you

I used to think that my memory was pretty good.  When I was in high school and college I thought my sense of direction and general spacial awareness was pretty decent.  This was before the days of everyone having a GPS system so I was the one who remembered how to get places and could generally get back without a problem.  In my 20s, I drove all over Philadelphia at all hours of the night to go to clubs and parties.  I wasn't scared of getting lost, I always seemed to figure out how to get myself back to a place where I knew where to go, even though the signage and the way the streets are numbered from north to south and named for trees from east to west only works out if you remember the order of the trees.


This has changed in the past decade and I don't really know why (other than early onset Alzheimer's).  I don't trust my sense of direction anymore.  I test myself going to places I've been by not using GPS to see if I remember how to do it.  Sometimes I'm fine, other times I get lost and I wonder if its the over reliance on the GPS, which I usually just blindly follow.


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Saturday, March 31st, 2018
3:33 pm

Full moon while manager on duty.  


My eye twitch is not improving.  Now it's both eyes.


Thank the gods my head nurse is back from Paris.  Though, now I'm going to have to figure out what to do with this lady who wants to go home and is trying to get up and walk out the door, even though she can't walk.  She's incredibly manipulative and toxic, reaching for people, grabbing arms, screaming.  Her sundowning manifestation is pure evil.  She could stand in for a creepy nun in a horror movie.  She told me I was going to hell.  I lost my cool and told her I don't believe in hell because I'm not a Christian.  This didn't help matters.  That's when I had to walk away.  I'm not a warm, fuzzy, and THAT is why the gods never let it work out for me to go to nursing school.  


Modern medicine is a crock of shit; people need to just die instead of living like this.  I'm probably going to be a stubborn old bitch too...so I guess there's that.  I'm going to be a creepy old lady for sure.


I need to really work on not getting old.

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Friday, March 30th, 2018
4:31 pm

Full moon while working in assisted living...  


I was going to go into detail about individuals but I think it's best to just let this one ride.  I definitely have more stories for the book I will eventually write about spending a career working with senior citizens.  I also am incredibly grateful that I'm not the executive director today.  


The wander guard for the memory unit keeps going off and it's pissing me off.  Why do they let it beep for five minutes at a time?  I guess I could get off my ass and turn it off myself, but as with housekeeping, care and activities, IT'S NOT MY FUCKING JOB!  My only job is to bring in new people.  Sales only sells.


My issues with housekeeping have been somewhat resolved.  I mean, there's nothing anyone can immediately do with the old, worn out carpet aside from continually promise me that it will be replaced.  Same with the new furniture for the lobby...it's been ordered, and the new roof that costs $300,000...which we're getting a quote for.  Overall, the general feeling of disgust has waned a bit.  The new housekeeping manager is working his ass off and I know it's not rocket science, but it's a lot of work and nobody will every clean enough for my liking.  This is where I feel my O.C.D. act up a little.  I'm not a total germ-o-phobe but nothing is ever clean enough for me and I start to wonder if my standards are absurd.  


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