Finding forgiveness

The alchemical wedding, moving forward with strength and softness, as a strange day lover departs without much thought or word.

I see in you the spirit of kindness though you have no idea who you are right now.

Cleaning out cobwebs and brushing down the body with needles of pleasure.  Eternal youth, looking for his mother in a sultry back alley.  Six of wands energy climbing up the attention seeker.

What's really the point of anything?

MYRKUR - Folkesange [FULL ALBUM STREAM] - YouTube



I've been really on edge lately.  I'm sitting here, finishing a bottle of wine on a Friday night, updating LiveJournal, listening to Mike Saga spin some of my favorites at Vortex.  I haven't really been to a club in a year and now, all I want to do is go.  

Today sucked.  I am at the hate my job stage.  I did get a text that they are willing to offer me Cobra health insurance to jump to this new job.  Everyone tells me not to do it.  I don't really know what to do.  The temptation is high.  Especially now that I don't feel like I have much to live for or look forward to.

I'm also incredibly upset about the state of Benny and his nursing home.  They have the 'rona and I fear and HATE that I won't see him in person for a while.  I read his cards and they indicated that the road was long and will involve painful changes.  He's freaking out...naturally, but still going to work, like you do. He keeps texting me "we're doomed".  I saw him on Wednesday, briefly...so yeah, I probably am too, but I'm not sure what that means.  Due to him being German, sometimes he says things that don't completely make sense...but I usually get what he means.  Maybe I'm trying to be dismissive but does he mean his building and his work unit or, himself and his wife, or the two of us as a unit, or all of the above.  Either way, he's upset, naturally because his residents are scared and his boss is scared....and why wouldn't they be.  It's a terrifying place to have to go everyday.

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It's been a minute

I don't even know where to begin.  The last time I posted here was just after Thanksgiving, right before I started my new job.  

I actually love all the people I've met working at my new job, but the job itself doesn't seem incredibly stable...

It still feels somewhat new but the pace has been insane and despite people dying left and right and the annoyance of this quarantine, I needed a reason to slow down.  This pandemic is everything I needed in my life and I might be partially responsible for causing it.

It's the not knowing "when" that makes me anxious though.  I'm not typically a person with anxiety but I have found a low and constant rumbling beneath my consciousness that reminds me that I'm only as good as my last sale and that I haven't delivered on that since the middle of March.  We're having a zoom meeting on Friday with some big shots who might deliver some ultimatums.  I'm not fully trusting of this company as they shit canned a fellow employee who didn't deliver on her sales goals back in January.  They gave her a 30 day PIP and on day 31 she was gone....

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A Cage with the door wide open

Thanksgiving was awesome.  It was the first year I didn't spend with my family and it was glorious.  Went to Scott's and ate smoked turkey and drank mimosas all day. Mak and I had some good catch-up time since I haven't really spent much time with her in a while due to everything getting crazy for both of us over the past two months. 

I feel like shit today.... partially due to the booze and the food but also, I have a mild case of the plague, which I'm pretty sure I got from my 7 month old nephew.  That little snot rocket was sick on my sister's birthday and she tried to tell me he was just teething...babies are so vile.

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Time frame and adjustment

It's been a while since I updated.  Things have definitely been in turmoil for quite some time.  My new boss quit, shortly after I posted the previous post.  I think I found out about a day after I posted that.  I went to visit my sister shortly after that and had a terrible time because I was super stressed about the building and everything falling apart, which was happening, like a slow motion train wreck.

Upon my return, we had a big corporate meeting and the Divisional VP said he was going to fix things.  That was 8 weeks ago.  I haven't seen much improvement other than my nurse coming back and the roof being contracted.  They are actually putting supplies on the roof as I write.  Too little, too late!

None of this matters because mercifully, I'm finally moving on to a whole new professional journey.  I still have 2 weeks left and it's painful.  It kind of came to a pivotal moment when Benny said in a drunken fog at his Oktoberfest event that I would still be in my current position come January 1.  I was pissed at him that week and we didn't speak for a few days.  He now takes full credit for lighting a fire under my ass.  Though it wasn't entirely his comment, it was me getting back on the horse again and applying the shit out of jobs EVERYWHERE.  I had so many interviews...

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At least once a day since the day I met you...

Turmoil has been a constant lately.  I like my new boss.  He's kind of a bro, but not in an obnoxious way.  He doesn't quite get me but he definitely thinks I'm amusing and I'm pretty sure he knows that I'm not stupid.

I feel like the tides are finally changing, but I feel like I've been saying that for a while now without much movement.  I hit a little bit of a rock bottom on Friday and I'm not really out of the woods yet.  The weekend sucked because of it.

I'm so different from who I was this time last year.  I have attracted some really awesome soul friends in 2019.  Of course, Benny is my favorite. Our friendship and working partnership has developed into something pretty awesome.  I have little doubt that he's now a life-long friend and I hate weeks that I don't get to see him.  His new job will probably have us working together fairly frequently, which is why I'm so glad he didn't leave the industry when his former job fizzled out.  I did work to help him land a great job that will definitely teach him and keep him close.  I read his cards at the beginning of the summer and indicated that he wasn't going to get what he thought he was going to get but it would be good, either way.  He reminded me that I was right. :)  The cards don't lie!

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